I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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