First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
