I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
