why didn't you poke me back
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
not ubering you a puppy
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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