Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
