So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
birth control should be required to get into college
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
