he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
