The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
