My liver just broke up with me...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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