There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
