I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Congratulations! We have a period
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