Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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