I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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