i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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