You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
