please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
