Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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