My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
