Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
