In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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