Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
