i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
