Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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