so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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