dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
