She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
