I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
