bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
