It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
