Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
