weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
