No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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