u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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