remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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