i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
