Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
