I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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