A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
