In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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