Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
