I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
