I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Too much gin, very little bucket
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
