Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
