she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
