I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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