I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
