Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
