fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I forget how to act sober
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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