I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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