In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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