If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
