you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
