HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
